1. Learn now about any developing plans your student might have for his or her time at home.  The students are already making tentative plans with friends who are also going to be home.
2. Identify any potential areas of conflict and develop shared expectations when possible.  Top three areas of conflict are use of vehicle, curfew, family involvement vs. time to be independent.
3. Let your student know whether he or she should fall into a previous routine of family chores – or if this visit home is one in which those expectations are suspended.
4. When at all possible don’t wait for your student to arrive home to discuss or to iron-out expectations for the time together.  There is nothing worse than having the first day or so of a short visit filled with conflict or power struggles.
5. Let your student sleep.  Sleep deprivation is a very real condition for most college students – and when home for Thanksgiving Break they know they’ll be returning to college for a couple of high-stress weeks before the semester is over.
6. Resist asking lots of questions, but create environments for conversations to emerge.  Have your student invite friends over for a family-style meal and you will likely learn a lot about what all the friends are experiencing as well as gain insight into your own student’s experiences.
7. Ask your student what he or she might most need from you in the time that he or she is home.

A household with clear and, as often as possible, shared expectations is going to bring the most joy and least stress to all.

My parenting tool kit is rich with strategies, options and alternatives, because Parenting Lesson #1 is:  There is always another way — many ways in fact to reach a desired goal or outcome.

Parenting Lesson #2:  Help your children to dream big through your own examples of action and involvement — I was just 5 when my dad and brother (then 15) rode their bicycles across the U.S.A. and in my early teens when we ventured off to New Zealand for a year and when I watched him spend countless hours rallying support for a group home that wanted to move into our small town outside of Albany, NY.

Parenting Lesson #3:  Be willing to take risks, not careless in nature, but don’t play it so safe that you never grow or experience something larger than yourself.  Help your children to do the same in their education and co-curricular involvements.

Parenting Lesson #4:  Exercise a great measure of patience, A GREAT MEASURE OF PATIENCE, while children wriggle to find their way. React less, discuss more — fill life with teachable moments.  Step in when health, wellness or personal safety are at risk.

Parenting Lesson #5:  Don’t get caught up in perfection — but do strive for excellence.

Parenting Lesson #6:  Chapstick is more than a lip balm — quiet a squeaky door, keep metal zippers from sticking, moisturize dry cuticles.  Things are not solely for the purpose they seem. Help your children to extend their thinking beyond the obvious.

Parenting Lesson #7:  Make a plan, but enjoy the journey — sometimes even more than the final destination.

Parenting Lesson #8:  Keep learning and living — he had open-heart surgery one May and had planned to climb Mt. Katahdin the next spring — he was 77.

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity – a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. ~Rose Kennedy

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

While colleges design Family Weekend to be festive, informative and fun, it is often a time when students and their parents have very different expectations about how the two or three days will be spent.  Family Weekend can actually be a stressful time, but there are many things you can do to keep the weekend out of the stress zone and in the fun zone.

Family #1:  Peter’s family was excited to see him.  When they arrived they felt that Peter seemed distracted and only marginally happy to see them. They were disappointed that things seemed so awkward.

Family #2: Sara was excited to have her family visit — there was so much that she wanted to share.  She and her roommates had redecorated their room, she was excited for her parents to see her in the marching band, and she couldn’t wait to go out to dinner and to have her family meet her friends.

Family #3:  Jonathan’s parents have been divorced since he was 12. He felt terrible, because his dad had asked him to go out to dinner on Friday night which meant he wouldn’t really be able to see his mom until Saturday.  He had a big assignment due after the weekend and he felt like he wouldn’t have enough time to fit everyone and everything in.

Family #4:  Carrisa’s family lived too far to come for Family Weekend.  She felt sad when families started arriving.  She was kind of angry that her family couldn’t come.

Consider these tips and strategies as you embark on Family Weekend activities:

• let your student know you don’t intend to spend every moment with him or her and ask your student in advance about when he or she would like to be with you.  Your student’s life doesn’t stop just because Family Weekend is here – he or she will likely have assignments to complete, tests for which to study, etc.;

• many parents remark how since their student has gone to college they have been out-of-touch with parents who have college-aged children — so use the time at the campus to talk with and gain insights from other parents;

• participate in some family weekend activities without your student — your student will likely be doing other things during part of the time, including sleeping late;

• when visiting your student’s living space make it a point to overlook the mess and think “guest”, not “parent”;

• find opportunities to spend time with your student outside of the formal or structured events;

• have your student invite friends along for dinner – especially anyone who might not have family visiting;

• don’t surprise your student by discussing a major issue during Family Weekend (do this at another time or at least let him or her know in advance what you need to share and don’t start or end the weekend with a big discussion);

• observe more than ask direct questions – observing your student’s friends and interactions with others can be more illuminating than asking lots of questions;

• let your student know which positive changes you notice and comment when your student seems to make good decisions, think maturely, etc.;

• if your student seems unusually sad — use some of the time to explore resources that could provide additional support to him or her;

• if you can’t make it to family weekend find another time or way to connect – order in Chinese food, have your student do the same and have dinner together via a webcam;

• if you live too far away to visit your student ask a relative or friend of the family who lives closer to join your student for part of the weekend;

• If you are divorced, make arrangements with your ex-spouse, prior to Family Weekend, to determine if or when you will be doing things together or separately.  Let your student know what you have worked out – it will take the stress out of it for him or her.

Above and beyond all, enter Family Weekend with a true willingness to go with the flow and the realization that you are entering your student’s life and world.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

1.  Extra Time – everything will take longer than you expect

2.  Printed map of area and campus – a GPS is not foolproof – know where you are going and have a couple of parking options if arriving  at a city location

3.  Patience – you will likely need to access it more than once

4.  Small pair of scissors – consistently very handy

5.  A perspective that everyone is probably trying to do the best they can

6.  Note pad and writing implement or electronic device to make MORE lists – there are always more things to buy and/or send

7.  Reading material or something to occupy you – you might have a little down time or find that you need to take a break

8.  A sense of adventure – there might be more than expected

9.  Cash – just when you think the world operates only on credit or debit  cards you’ll discover a wonderful breakfast place that only takes cash

10. A healthy snack – sometimes you don’t want to step away to find something to eat, but at the same time you know you would benefit from a little sustenance

11. An envelope or folder – somewhere central to stash receipts, important papers that are distributed

12. An appreciation for all the transitions that your student is experiencing and awareness that you are experiencing some too

13. Space for your student to speak first when interacting with others or  expressing a need or asking a question

14. Sensitivity for how younger siblings or other family members are doing as the time together progresses

15. A sense of humor – laughter is a great stress reliever

16. A little favorite something that your student might appreciate — perhaps something he or she would not think to pack or purchase for himself or herself

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

College is packed with transitions and change, not just during the first year, but during all the years, so having opportunities to develop and strengthen skills usually equates to greater success along the way.  Let’s look at some of the skills that contribute to a student’s success during college:

• adjusting to residential living;
• taking on a greater sense of personal responsibility for achievements and failures;
• communicating outside of one’s comfort zone;
• maximizing learning from courses and co-curricular experiences;
• feeling competent in a range of daily living skills;
• effectively managing one’s time;
• connecting academic learning with career exploration;
• seeking help and accessing resources that support academic success;
• having strategies and tools to address challenges and to cope with stress;
• strong reading and writing skills to support research and analysis.

If your student is living at home this summer identify experiences that will facilitate your student’s ongoing growth. If you have always handled your young adult’s paperwork, then designate this summer to incorporate opportunities for your son or daughter to fill out his or her own forms and to make calls necessary to arrange appointments or to ask questions.

In my work as an advisor to students I was always amazed at how often they would say, “I don’t know, my mom (or dad) usually takes care of that.”  Take time, each year to evaluate what you still need to do for your son or daughter and what parenting patterns need to change or cease to exist.

Consider parenting in ways that create freedom, but that also provide support. It is through the combination of these two forces that your student will benefit the most. Ask your student what concerns him or her most about the opening weeks of college, and think together about a strategy to mitigate it.  Taking time to assess your student’s skills and to create opportunities for him or her to strengthen his or her skills — is the difference between parenting by by design and parenting by chance.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

Keep Your Summer Traditions Alive and Consider Adding New Ones!

The Parenting Challenge: If your student is home for the summer you might be feeling like roommates working different shifts, seeing each other in passing and only exchanging a pleasantry or two each day.  This usually feels pretty awkward and while on one hand you recognize the nature of your changing relationship with your college student, on the other hand you are genuinely interested in connecting with your son or daughter in meaningful ways. Many times our student feels that he or she can best retain his or her independence by associating with us as little as possible, and we need to think creatively about how to help our student to see that he or she can be part of the family and independent.

Real World:  A client of mine was feeling particularly discouraged about how little she had connected with her son since his arrival home and she was questioning whether or not to continue with the tradition of Sunday afternoon barbecues and whether or not to give her son the option of not coming on the family vacation to the summer lake house. I then asked, “Well in what ways or around what situations do you see yourself connecting with your son?”  I also asked if the Sunday afternoon barbecues brought her enjoyment and she responded, “Yes!”  She was concerned that her son might not be around for the barbecues and I mentioned that if she didn’t have them he definitely wouldn’t be around, but that she might consider a few different strategies to continue to incorporate her son and his friends.

We brainstormed the following ideas:

• Have a cook-off with teams (friends or families) preparing the best burgers or shish kabobs or ribs;
• Invite her son to plan the menu and send the kids out to do the shopping.
• Invite a special surprise guest to the barbecue – a favorite teacher from high school, someone who moved away;
• Have her son be the chef – use it as an opportunity to share a favorite food or family recipe.

We then thought together more about the family vacation and she realized that she would just proceed as if he was coming, but again thinking of ways to creatively engage him in the adventure.  She suggested that he could bring a friend, as this is something the kids had always done, but he could also invite “the gang” up for one night as well.  This provided her son with some options.  Additionally, she put him in charge of coming up with new activities for the family to do – he quickly found a zip line company in the area and an ATV excursion that everyone could go on as well.

With a little forethought and the genuine interest of continuing traditions, but also recognizing her son’s ability to be a contributor to the family traditions and not solely a participant, everyone was able to share and develop some great summer memories.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

 
If anything, during the years of parenting a college-bound student, we need more access to quality information in order to effectively guide and support our student through the college process and college years. The jumping for joy usually happens once a student is accepted to a desired college, but between then and exploring options there is a lot of eye rolling and stress to be experienced.
If you are the parent of a high school student consider subscribing to a new product for parents – The CollegePrepFormula.  When you subscribe you will receive two short videos a week in your email–one on Wednesday and one on Saturday. These videos will guide you along the college admissions process and they are short enough that your student will likely sit to watch them with you.  Imagine that, you might even be on the same page through all of this!

Paul Hemphill, the creator of the videos had 2 years of real feedback from his own clients on what should be included in these videos.  Paul keeps the whole process truly entertaining and he knows the college process from both the admission and financial aid angles. I have had the pleasure of learning from Paul and he can offer you the guidance you need at this point in your parenting. You will feel both knowledgeable and confident during a time that most experience as overwhelming. The nice thing is that through CollegeParenting.com you have access to a range of experts to answer your questions, to provide you with guidance as you effectively support and parent your college-bound son or daughter through college and beyond.

10 Hot Zones for Conflict When Your College Student Returns Home for the Summer

If your student is coming home for the summer you might already be feeling a bit anxious about what that will mean for your family.  Families that establish clear and shared expectations usually experience less stress in the long run.  Ideally you can begin to talk about expectations before your student walks in the door, but “ideally” isn’t always reality.  As you begin to create your vision for the summer you will want to recognize all the ways that your student has changed and factor in his or her growing sense of maturity. It is when your student feels boxed in that he or she will likely look to push back in ways that are negative or disruptive to the family system. If you co-parent your son or daughter it is extremely important that everyone doing the parenting has a shared understanding of expectations – and consequences and privileges if you still use them in your parenting approach.  Some college students can self-regulate their behaviors when living back at home, but others may still need to experience external motivators when re-entering a family system. The parents in my parent coaching practice commonly share the following hot zones for conflict (not in any particular order):

1.         Use of the family vehicle

2.         Curfew

3.         Chores

4.         Involvement in family activities (with siblings, relatives, summer plans)

5.         Use of drugs and alcohol

6.         Overnight guests (same sex or co-ed)

7.         Meals and groceries

8.         Noise level (entering and exiting house, up later than rest of family)

9.         Personal finances

10.       Involvement in productive activities (job, internship, volunteering, entrepreneurial activity)

Anticipate which areas within your family system are potential hot zones for conflict and take time to consider and define your expectations in advance of your student’s arrival home.  Reserve time to have conversations about expectations, and integrate elements of what your student might desire or need, and you will all likely experience summer with a little less stress.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

Informed Parents Ask…

Should I help my student choose his or her major?

Many colleges require students to declare a major by second semester of the sophomore year.  Some students have a genuine sense of clarity around which major they want to choose, other students are undecided, and still others pick a major just for the sake of having one by the designated deadline.  Students often agonize over this process and invite friends and family to weigh-in.

In my role as an advisor to students I would often ask, “What influenced you to consider being a (fill in the blank) major?”  I was always surprised by the number of times I would hear, “Well my mom/dad always thought I should major in (fill in the blank), because I am so good at (fill in the blank).”  Another common scenario was when parents suggested specific careers and then the students would choose majors that they thought would lead to employment in that field.  The bottom line is that we want to help our student, but what should we offer when our student turns to us and says, “I can’t decide on a major.”

It is not easy to be undecided, especially when it feels like everyone around you has things figured out.  It also doesn’t feel very good to make a choice just for the sake of doing so.  Often all that a student needs is:

• a little more time to learn a bit more about a particular academic department or discipline;
•  an opportunity to take a course or an additional course in a subject that interests him or her;
• an internship or summer job that confirms the relevancy of pursuing a specific major.

And what does your student need from you?

• Lend an ear and consistently reflect back what you hear your student being excited about;
• Resist the urge to share the major that you think your student should pursue, but do let your student know what strengths and interests you observe him/her expressing;
• Encourage your student to meet with academic and career advisors, because by doing so you are prompting him or her to seek the advice and resources of an expert;
• Respect your student for taking time and being thoughtful about options – there are now a multitude of majors and it can sometimes feel like the distinctions are few;
• Encourage your student to connect with professors or teaching assistants to learn about the nuances of majors and minors – many professors have open office hours;
• Remind yourself that internships and jobs often shape one’s career path more than a major;
• Ask your student which classes and/or  homework assignments seem to fly by – as this is often a good indicator that your student is experiencing something he/she actually enjoys;
• Assess whether you feel anxious about your student’s indecision and work to keep it from surfacing during conversations – stress only produces MORE STRESS.

Just like when children are out of diapers by kindergarten, college students have settled into a major usually by the early part of junior year.  And if your student seems to be taking his or her time to decide, consider feeling a sense of ease that he or she is probably taking the process seriously.  Generally we don’t like being in limbo, so this too shall pass.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder

Informed Parents Ask

What if my college student is unhappy?

It is difficult to hear when our student is unhappy, especially when we know what the price tag is of a college education.  Lots of times a student may seem universally unhappy but more often than not, with effective communication, we can learn what is really causing our student’s struggle.  If your student hasn’t told you what is contributing to his or her unhappiness, resist asking “What’s wrong?”, but rather listen to how your student talks about the highs and lows of his or her life at college.  It is rare that a student is unhappy about everything, so once you can begin to help your student to isolate those things that are causing unhappiness, the more quickly you can help your student to take action to remedy his or her situation.  Resist the urge to only offer advice, but ask questions that prompt your student to explore options.

Real Life Example:  Let’s say that it sounds like your student is unhappy about a roommate issue — you can say, “It sounds like your roommate issue is really making you miserable.  Do you know anyone who has had a similar situation?”  If your student responds “Yes,”  then you might ask:

• “What did that student do?”
• Who exists in your residential hall or in campus housing that might be able to help you?
• What might you consider as a good first step?

If your student doesn’t know, then ask, “How about we do a little exploration together on the college’s website to see whom you might be able to talk with to change the situation and/or to learn strategies to effectively deal with it?  Are you at your computer now?”

Throughout this conversation you are guiding your student in such a way that retains your student’s ownership of the situation and illuminates options for your student to explore.  This is a very different approach from, “Let me call Residential Life and get to the bottom of this!” — though it might be what you’d really like to do, you would be depriving your student important opportunities for growth.

All the best in your parenting, Kay

Kay Kimball Gruder / Twitter: @KKimballGruder